Westcustogo Publishing House:
Intensity, Dispirit and Depression.
Dispirit.
6/8/1996 4:00 AM
Cat woke me up. I let him in.
I am still bleeding -- really suffering.
I read over my plan. It is a very difficult plan.
It has a ray of hope.
I want to follow it. I really want to follow it.
Experience has shown me that it doesn't work.
But if carried off well it can work! (Later) It did.
I need faith in myself -- Poet Spharnx.
I need lots and lots of faith.
I must strengthen me.
I will strengthen me.
I will strengthen my resolve.
I need have (changed later) a faith in my understanding of life. really.
I need communication with a few others.
I need a support system.
I am my own support system (entered later).
Can I use Julien Sorel as a support system?1 Yes.
He achieved getting Mathilde's love back.
I will re-read that portion of "The Red and the Black."
My primary theme is The Heart over The Wallet.
I have got to show the superiority of my heart.
I need a stronger heart than him.
I've got to perservere through extreem adversity.
I can't forget birthdays, get well cards or anything.
Learn methods of strengthening a heart.
Study Love and Will.
Buy Scott Peck's book (The Road Less Traveled).
Study Stendahl.
Study Self Love.
Notes: 1. Hero of Stendahl's "The Red and the Black."
6/8/1996 Saturday
Poet, you must find your own life out of this.
- Start writing now.
- Rejoin Pinawor.
- Take their classes and seminars.
A man with a mission.
- I had the mission already, although faint and undetermined. In short, very confused.
- However, overnight I have become a man with a very determined mission.
- I have a purpose. An excellent Purpose of High Merit!
- When I return to Maine (Six Months).
- She is going to want to go with me. and not him.
- This will be very hard work.
- I have got to win her, to reconquor her heart.
- I don't even know how. You did before. Learn from that past.
- But I can learn.
- I can be very acceptable.
- Use another woman partner as a subtrafuge -- but do not have a sexual relationship with her.
- Just to make Ezelda jealous. It will work.
- Follow Julien Sorel's friend's method.
- Incorporate my campaign into my novel.
- Cory's girlfriend selects a rich fiancee from her society. A publisher.
- Cory dedicates himself to winning her back.
- He steels himself to do it.
- Write fast.
- Show the pretensions of this society.
- I'm tired. I didn't get my sleep, but I'm on fire.
- I'm an Inferno. I am energy. Mental Energy.
- There is no stopping me.
- Relax and conserve your energies.
6/8/1996 6:40 AM
I am having emotional difficulty right now.
- I just went through a pile of unresolved mail.
- I destroyed half of it.
- But, I saved half of it.
- And it remains unresolved.
- Goal, Keep plugging away at it.
- Go through the pile again.
Take a good shit.
Shower, shampoo, and shave.
Dress.
Be ready for the entire day.
- Be ready to resolve anything and everything.
- Conquor your disciplin.
- You need it.
Do it now.
Do some more dishes.
7:55 AM
I am showered, shampooed and shaved.
- I feel much better about myself.
- I did some exercising.
- I can perservere.
- I'm reading my plan.
- My plan is going to be lots of fun!
- I am happy about my new life.
- It is the supreme challenge of my life. (later) No.
- Leave this stuff out for her to see and read, if ever.
- Why hide it? It is excellent.
Do not expect to see her at church tomorrow. X
Expect her to fly out for the weekend. X
9:45 AM
- Be worthy of her.
- Retain her trust.
- Objective is rich communication! (later) We still have it.
- Mostly about her, her family, her cat, her car, him, etc.
6/8/1996
Learn from Stendahl.
- Defend her reputation.
- Do not trample on it.
- Bear your hurt alone.
- Be a very strong man!
- Do not be driven by blind passion, however.
But understand her.
There is the possibility that she is not worthy of your esteem.
- Re-listen to the taped (answering machine) messages.
- Try to fathom her real motivation.
- Try to determine the sincerity of her statement for her new love.
- Examine the sincerity of not wanting to injure me.
- How selfish is she? (added later) Very.
- These are important because my goal is to break down her new mind set. She will weaken.
- Determine the sincerity of her new partner.
- This should become apparant soon if at fault.
- All of this happened too fast and sudden to be real.
- Examine the rejection of me and my life style.
- But don't worry about it. Don't change too much.
I see myself working very hard on this campaign.
- Do not allow myself to be consumed by passion.
- It is not worth it.
- Go forward whatever I do.
- I do need a life.
- I have got to find a life.
- Returning to Maine is a singular effort to find a life.
- I also want to accomplish this.
- I do want her to go with me ultimately. (later) X
- How unrealistic am I? (later) Very!
- Not at all. She intends to move to Indiana.
- Tell her that in less than six months I am gone.
- Do I really want to burn all bridges behind me? (later) Yes. (later)
No.
